So what did I do this weekend?

Friday:

I happened to join Cult of the Psychic Fetus' facebook page on Friday morning and saw someone lamenting their recent misfortune about not being able to get a ride to the show. I clicked on their profile because the story was so damn depressing. The guy lived in the same city as me and his name sounded familiar, so the connection was made and I offered some assistance. I told James post facto because I really didn't want to hear him complain, which he still did because that's how he rolls.

After various delays, the evening arrived and I collected Brannon from his apartment, which is actually where our friend Devil Dave used to live.

We got to Amanda's place, talked about he who shall not be named (no, not Voldemort), drank screwdrivers, threw things from the balcony and listened to some music before heading to Outland. Brannon lost his ridiculously huge ring, so we did have to go back to look for that, but did not find it at that time. Here is some of the music we listened to before heading out.




My phone is being resistant to holding a charge so here is the only picture I took on Friday. This is from Only Flesh's show.

I've seen Only Flesh three times now. I really wished they were louder at this show, but there are good things about not having my hearing destroyed.
There were suspensions, and booty-shaking, and their usual fun songs.
Rev took off his man skirt and had really cute underwear and stripey tights on underneath, but... I'm not going to be an asshole here and repeat what we said at the show while intoxicated because I'm not a douche...today. :P
And I love Only Flesh. I believe they played their songs "Kunt" and "Put my love in you," but my retention skills are lacking.

Anyway listen to their music, they played this song:



After Only Flesh we hung out on the smoking patio until Cult of the Psychic Fetus started.
They were quite good and they like to sing about "making love to the dead." We had, well by proxy through Brannon and his friend Amber, collected more people since being out on the patio. We all danced right in front of the stage and maybe there was some molestering, but stealing the quote from Saturday night, "What happens at Outland, stays at Outland."
Man, that's such a lie.

Anyway, it was quite an awesome night and it went by in a complete blur.

Here are some Youtube videos of Cult of the Psychic Fetus' music.




Some entertaining things I remember from that night include:

Brannon wanting to start a facebook group for some reason and we all said that we'd remember what it was, but for the life of me I can't remember it and I'm not sure if anyone else did either, but it was hilarious.

"Oh, you guys actually have some pigment in that one, don't worry I can edit it out." Brannon after taking a picture

"That's the longest piss I've ever seen.... and I really hope that's their ride, or he's going to be spending the night in jail for pissing on Krogers." Amanda after we dropped off our new friends to wait for their ride.

Saturday:

Amanda found Brannon's ring by the lake.

I forgot my cellphone, and therefor forgot my camera, which is really unfortunate for future blackmailing purposes.
James and I went to Amanda's place to hang out before going to Outland. Then went to the bar where we met up with Gary and Nicolle. Amanda's guest in the Stormtrooper shirt and his two friends would be meeting us there later.

This short guy asked to dance with Amanda. Later he would try to dance with me and asked my name. Okay then... some girl kept watching everyone dance and smiling like we were really shiny. Take that however you'd like.

They played some songs that we requested:





I stumbled on the stage while dancing, which I tried to play off as really hilarious so people would think that I'm drunk instead of just uncoordinated.

On the smoking patio Saturday:
We got to see a card trick by some guy named Remington...or Scott, or Little Joe as we started calling him. Amanda got his number in hopes that he may steal back her captive Foreman Grill from her ex.
Some guys were discussing calling someone an "asshole" versus calling them a "whole ass."

In the torture room we discussed penis and one of Amanda's guests shared the information that he is barely endowed... I guess from his explanation. For future reference, making the guy doing the electro-play laugh can sometimes be (more) painful.

Amanda's guests watched the stripper girls...can't take nerds anywhere. It was as if they had never seen breasts other than their own before.
They proceeded to declare Outland the "Best Bar Ever."

We did an after party at Amanda's house where I babysat and listened to Faderhead.



The chair was thrown from the balcony.
James threw up.
One guy kept randomly passing out everywhere.
And his friend started trying to hump him.
The humping guy then asked if we knew anyone that would blow him and seemed unconcerned whether the person we could provide was male or female. haha, but eventually it gets to the point of "put up, or shut up."
The three drunk guests all tried to hang out in Amanda's bed.
I went on facebook to find someone to chat with while the drunks acted like they were.
Then I brought out the rubber fist to break up a wresting match.
Finally Amanda and her guests played the Wii, and James and I left.
I almost fell asleep on the drive home and had to stop at Speedway to get a snack, where I was followed around by a small dog.


Some quotes:
"What happens at Outland stays at Outland," Amanda to her guests.

"Is this really happening? Am I really here?" one of Amanda's guests passing out on the floor at her place. I think he said that out on the balcony too.

"James, you can't sleep in the car."
"Why not?"
"You can't"
"Don't tell me..."
"We're home, get out of the freaking car! I'm going inside and I will leave you here."

Sunday:

We went to Scrambler Marie's for lunch, which was pretty good. My sister works there too, so we got to annoy her, and her co-workers were astounded that there is 10 years (well, 9 years and 10 months) age difference between us.
In the afternoon I ran some errands, and bought a pink Skelanimals cat for myself.

Watched MST3K: The Final Sacrifice...here is a song from the show.

Older concert pictures...

Wow, I've been bad. Didn't post any character development stuff this week. I'm going to see Only Flesh and Cult of the Psychic Fetus on Friday night, so I hope to have pictures and information on that after I have experienced it. I have seen Only Flesh twice before and they are quite entertaining. I kind of like to see people hanging from hooks in their skin and still have the ability to play instruments. Impressive.

So I'm going to share some old concert pictures...and I will not start with Only Flesh, but with Ronan Harris of VnV Nation holding an inflatable sword. Someone gave him the sword before they did "Joy"...you know the lyrics from that song?
"So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why am I lone and why do I feel that
I carry a sword through a battlefield?"

So people bring him inflatable swords, really big inflatable swords.
This picture is from their Cleveland, Ohio show 2009.


At their April 2007 show in Cleveland they did not allow cameras or recording devices to be used...bummer, so the only pictures I have from that show are of me outside afterward talking to my Mom on my cell phone, telling her that James proposed to me in the pit after they played "Beloved".... aw....


Now for some Only Flesh
These are all from the Crucifixion show at Outland 2.0, I do not recall the exact day.
I do remember the announcement at the show that the police had shown up because they had heard there was going to be a human sacrifice that night. The band seemed pretty amused by that.






Sorry for the poor picture quality on those. I took all of those, except for the 2007 picture after VnV that James took, with my LG Chocolate cell phone's camera.

I also have Combichrist pictures from several years ago--I was going to say "I don't remember that exact day," but I have the promotional poster from that show framed in the office and it says 9/10/07--, but those will have to wait until another day because I have quite a few.

Apoptygma Berzerk show in Columbus, Ohio

The story:
March 19th 2010, I wrote about Filament 38 the other day, and I'm not going to write about Stygios because I was at the bar and more focused on how many shots of Jäger my husband would buy me instead of paying close attention to their set. Sorry about that... when I was paying attention their 3rd song sounded pretty sweet, but I have no idea what it was.

Okay, so we'll start with some music. Apoptygma Berzerk did not play this song that night, but it is my friend's favorite Apop song, so here it is.


Some places online where you can get more information about Apoptygma Berzerk (Myspace, Twitter, Facebook).

A brief story. After Filament 38's set and before Apoptygma Berzerk started I texted my friend who was coming in from Chicago because her lovely company of employment had the audacity to ship her out for training on this, the week of the Apop show. The time was running short, but we talked. Amanda's plane had landed and Gary was at the airport, they were en route to Skully's. They only needed two dollars more for their admission. We had plenty of dollars at that time. We waited outside and befriended some people out by the tables out front. James handed a dollar to the guy who requested one, but he determined that it was cursed and no longer had need of it.
Amanda and Gary arrived. There was much rejoicing and we would all be seeing Apoptygma Berzerk.
We purchased more drinks and went over to chill by the stage.

Apoptygma Berzerk started out with Starsign. I really don't recall the set order for the show, but what I remember (in no particular order): Starsign, Eclipse, Apollo (live on your tv), Love Never Dies, Deep Red, Shine On, In This Together, Until the End of the World, Kathy's Song, Mourn, Unicorn, and Non-Stop Violence.
What stood out to me the most: "Apollo (Live on your tv)," oddly enough I haven't really liked this song any time that I've listened to it before, but seeing it live made me actually love it. "Deep Red," a really cool song and quite different, darker-sounding, than their other songs. It was really nice to hear it live. "Non-Stop Violence" and "Love Never Dies" are tied as my favorite songs by Apop, so I was really happy to hear both of those as well. I like the variety in their music and, while I know some people did not like their move away from electronic to a more mainstream rock sound, I really think that most of it sounds rather good. I do prefer the older songs, but the new ones are not bad, they're just a different style and it is impressive that whether electronic or rock Apoptygma Berzerk does quite well.
Although Amanda was somewhat disappointed because they did not play Suffer in Silence.

The first 11 seconds of "Love Never Dies"--the camera was being weird and somehow the video is in two parts.


The rest of the song, well right up until the memory card went "OMG too much stuff"


In general I think that Apoptygma Berzerk sounds better live, not that the recordings (which I believe are completely done by Stephan Groth) are bad or lacking, there was just a vast energy in the live show. Friday night was an exceptionally fun show in general.

They left the stage and we kind of followed out to the smoking patio because I've been smoking much more than I usually do as of recently, especially when I go clubbing. Sorry lungs. Stephan Groth was out there signing a t-shirt and we thought about asking him to sign the "I <3 Amanda" sign that I've been carrying around to show my adoration for my drinking buddy when she was acting emo in Chicago. I handed a pen and the notecard to Amanda. Stephan was cornered by a blonde girl who was quite chatty. I kind of heard what he said as he made his escape back into the venue, but it wasn't processing in my brain. Amanda better relayed it to me, "Apparently he had to go wash out his armpits."
Well played, Stephan. So the quote of the night award would go to him.

James, Amanda, Gary and I decided to set out for our next adventure. The night had entered the "Let's take cell phone pictures" hour, so we wandered off and found "The Garden Church" sign to be especially funny because there is a sex shop across the street called "The Garden." We then went to a Steak 'n Shake where we probably disturbed the people there with our loud talk of this guy we knew and his tattoo which he got in tribute to Apop, which would be the crop circle design on his arm,...and what little fantasies we suspect that he has involving those tattoos. We'll just leave it at that.
Although the 2nd place quote of the night award was involved with that disturbing mental image. Good job, James.

I was home and asleep around 4am, then awake by 8:30am. I started working with the pictures then, but once again I wasn't too thrilled with the camera's results. Oh well, here is what I liked from the 100 plus pictures between James and myself.

The pictures:






During the encore, some people cleared out and I could get a bit closer to the side of the stage. All of these pictures are from the 3.2 megapixel camera on my cellphone, as opposed to the 6.0 megapixel Canon PowerShot A540 in the previous pictures.






The following picture is interesting to me, but not that great as a picture of a person...does that make sense? Anyway visually interesting, but when I tried to make it a little clearer the red and black was not agreeing with any image editing software at my disposal.

Actually the camera had issues with the red lighting, it always seems to pick up more red than it should in the first place, so a lot of my pictures turned out that way. Here's another one that I liked, but is kind of tough to see.

The Vinyl and Absinthe Anniversary

We have determined that those are the new traditional ways to celebrate the 2nd wedding anniversary. James gave me a bottle of Lucid Absinthe and the Combichrist Heat EP: All Pain is Beat on vinyl (apparently there are a couple more records in the mail, but I haven't been told what they are). I have a feeling that if I leave the Combichrist record next to my Wham "Make it Big" for too long the Wham album will have it's ass kicked by the next time I see it. And what gift did I give him? Well the coat is not even started, but I cleaned and unpacked the rest of our bedroom junk that we hadn't gotten around to unpacking since December. I have to start the coat tomorrow because I think he wants to wear it clubbing this weekend. No pressure, right?

Some wedding pictures.





Sitting by myself, the photographer took a lot more pictures of me than he did of James.


Explaining the tattoos


The music situation was kind of crappy, I asked around and a local DJ tentatively offered to do our wedding, but he ended up having equipment issues. My father in law is actually a DJ for some parties, so we could've probably found the equipment needed, but it would have been annoying. Our friend was supposed to help us out, but I guess he was too stoned or something because he forgot and missed the wedding completely. So we ran the laptop through some good speakers and set a playlist to random. We did have two set songs though.

Our first dance was:


Our last song before leaving on our honeymoon:


Going to watch "Inglorious Basterds" and drink some Lucid. Maybe I'll do more picture editing later on, but taking a break right now.

Update March 25th 2010-
The vinyl part of the anniversary continues. I just received The Sisters of Mercy The Temple of Love Merciful Release 12" on vinyl from 1983. I do find it interesting that its catalog number on the back is MRX027 because 27 is one of those weird things. If not for my good friends who are older...eh, more mature, or, maybe refined?-- oh I'll just go the dramatic route-- have spent more years on this Earth than I have, that all good things started in 1983. At least 1983 was when it all started for me.
I guess among those "good things" from the 80's I will not be including the brunt of 80's fashion, and, after viewing the scary neon shoes at Journeys and chatting with one of the guys who works there a couple weeks ago, I'm even more horrified that it's making a come-back apparently.
We will persevere though. I'm going to listen to my new record now.

Filament 38 opening for Apoptygma Berzerk in Columbus

I just finished cleaning up my Filament 38 pictures, but haven't sorted through all of the Apoptygma Berzerk pictures yet. I did post my decent enough Apop videos to YouTube already and I think this link will take you to my channel. I did not get any Filament 38 video.
And what I have learned from this show is that I need a bigger memory card, or more of them...and maybe a better camera because James' camera is confusing and I still haven't learned how to use it that well (my camera met with an unfortunate sink accident last summer).
Onward.

Some music for your listening enjoyment.


Filament 38 (myspace) is an Industrial band out of Cleveland, Ohio. I know that I have seen them perform once before, but right now I have spaced out on where that was exactly. Okay, just cheated and looked it up on their past shows list, I saw them in 2007 at Outland 2.0 with Encoder, Imperative Reaction and Assemblage 23. Also, looking at their past shows list I found out that my husband has actually seen F38 three times, since he saw them open for Bella Morte at Outland 1.0 in 2002.
Friday night, I liked the overall sound and the live show sounded rather well put together despite technical difficulties. It wasn't the first show that I've been to that had some of those. I don't know the names of all the songs that they played, but they do have a new EP titled "Frail" which you can buy at their shows, and will be available to purchase online soon from -NGP+ Store. I did not purchase their CD at the show because I drank all my money that night--oops.
I wish I had gone to the Saturday night show at Outland 3.0, but I was stupidly tired from being outside in the sun all day. I'm pretty sure that on May 16th I will be making the journey to Cleveland and seeing them with 16 Volt, Chemlab, Left Spine Down and Defcon as part of my birthday weekend thing. My birthday is actually on May 12th, but I'm not good at limiting parties to any particular day. I may try to get to the Deadstar Assembly show in Lakewood, Ohio on April 20th, but I will have to see what funds and time I have.

My crappy camera couldn't handle all the awesome produced by F38 and their kickass fog machine. I took at least 80 pictures and these are the ones that I actually liked well enough to edit and post. The fog kind of reminded me of when I ran a bunch of lighting equipment, and the fog machine, for the LHS Percussion Ensemble back in High School. Oh god, the flashbacks.
Anyway, here are the pictures I did get. I could only see Ash (lead singer and programmer) and Jason K. (guitarist) most of the show, so those are the people in my pictures. Sigma and Creep would be the members of F38 that I could not see.











I think I've been warped by too many art classes, but there's something about this following picture that I really like. Probably because of the lights, and silhouette of the girl who was taking a picture. If only the heads had been melted off of those people in the front who were blocking most of the stage... oh well, I guess I'll have to get closer to the stage next time.


There will probably be one post between this one and my Apoptygma Berzerk pictures because, since it is well after midnight on March 22nd currently, today is my 2 year wedding anniversary and I wanted to post at least one wedding picture. I'm going to work on something for my novel project now, but I'll be back editing pictures in the morning some time.

One picture

We took the kids to a spur of the moment BBQ at Gary and Nicolle's. Awesomeness.
We're planning big things, likely very stupid things, for June. I think one thing may involve a slip 'n slide and a sled. Perhaps some bloody water balloons, too.
Fake blood.
I don't think I could fill them on my own...
then again I do have until June.
ha ha ha

Here is the first picture that I pulled from my phone from the Apoptygma Berzerk show. I have the 1 gig memory card from the camera, and the rest of my phone stuff, then images from James' phone to sort through today.

Busy, Drama, Apoptygma Berzerk

I've been sewing, writing and had a post written up on character development that is getting to be somewhat massive and difficult to digest in one go, so I may cut that up into bits. I've also had some family-related drama this week that had me quite distracted and annoyed.
So, Monday I'll start out with my character development craziness, and I may have enough of that to get through the next week. I'm going to see Apoptygma Berzerk in concert tonight, so I'll just leave you with some of their videos, and perhaps I'll write up a review of the show sometime this weekend.
One song, followed by two older videos, and two newer videos.

Please don't lick my crazy

My Saturday Night:

So my original plan was to dress like a stereotypical emo boy for Amanda's St Patty's Day Party, I was also not going to wear any green and let her go ahead and kick me as I sulked about my unluckiness and my feelings of bleakness.
As I did my hair, planning on some massive backcombing and then brushing it forward to cover my eyes, I instead ended up reaching Robert Smith proportions. You just can't flatten a backcombing that tall without angering some pagan god somewhere.
Before Make-up (well before I put on a lot of black eye make-up)


I wore my military trench coat and brought a bottle of NV Absinthe Verte with me as my requisite green items. (Note: NV cheaper, but not as good as Absente) I also have a predominately green tattoo, so I think that should exempt me from any further pinching or kicking at future St Patty's Day events. Not that I don't occasionally enjoy a good pinching, or kicking in the case of my great friends.

Video of On a Boat:



Me as Robert Smith throwing a Christmas Tree from a balcony--


We threw eggs at the tree from the balcony as it floated away, but there's no video of that.
I did text Melanie to bring more eggs, it went like this:

Jennifer:
Bring Eggs

Melanie:
wtf

Jennifer:
the first rule of egg club is you don't talk about egg club

Melanie:
still at the concert for at least 30 mins

Fighting with a rubber fist




Reaching the time of night where we just take cellphone pictures. We went on a outing to the convenience store with sober Gary driving, and attempted to visit a pornography establishment, but they close at midnight because Ohio sucks a little bit.
We returned to the apartment and resorted to playing video games. It was Beatles Rock Band and I had to be the lead singer because I was Robert Smith, and my spouse James is quite horrible at singing even while sober and he's unbearable while drunk. Sorry.
Here I am with one of the New Kids on the Block posters. They are eclipsed by my hair, except for that one guy.


Hello "normal" friend Melanie.
Don't be fooled, she's the original "Bucket list" member. This party also had a bucket, but no one needed it.

Gary and Nicolle--One of these things is more drunk than the other...



Sunday morning:

This is how I woke up, much the same as the previous evening, but add a headache and a sinus-related headache on top of that. Later in the day I developed a shoulder-related pain that can only be explained by my lack of training before tossing the Christmas tree from the balcony.
I took a shower, and I finally discovered my desired emo make-up look. Sorry, for the blurriness and pallor in the 2nd picture, that purple room has harsher lighting.
Just noticed same hand position.
It must be a good one.

Sunday, while being hangover and lacking motivation morning, was also Pi Day, So I made a Pi cake and we fired up the grill for the first time in a long time since we couldn't have it at our old apartments.
I also watched Invader Zim on NickToons with my daughter. Thanks big corporation for cutting back on the asshatery for a tidbit. If only for March, I'm glad that they started showing the awesome mind of Jhonen Vasquez on TV again.



I have editing to do currently, but in parting,
Sometimes my life feels like this:

see more Lol Celebs

Dear Motivation and Endings, (5)

Dear Motivation and Endings,

Motivation, I haven't seen you in a while, but I'm still writing on the novel project. It is going well enough and I hope to seal the 50,000 word mark later today. I hope to finish my pirate shirt sometime this weekend, but will be playing Xbox tonight and eating pizza. Tomorrow, I will likely be drinking myself into a haze of entertainment with my friend Amanda and whoever else that doesn't feel like wearing pants. I have added a Wild West-style coat onto my sewing list. That project needs to be finished before the 22nd because the 2nd wedding anniversary is traditionally celebrated with a gift of cotton and, with me being all about traditional things, James is getting a black twill frock coat.
Today, I removed some ridiculous shoulder pads (a la Dynasty) from a black velvet jacket and decided that the only people who wear this crap are old ladies and Goths, but Goths don't want to have strong shoulder lines because it makes it more difficult to look sullen. Upon further reflection perhaps shoulder pads actually make me feel more Goth because they make me want to die a little inside. I was going to edit this picture of the cast from Dynasty to put some heavy black eyeliner on there, but the big hair, tans and shoulder pads were making me irrationally angry.

Curse the 80's, except for some of the music. A Flock of Seagulls anyone?


All tomfoolery aside, how are the endings doing? I can't seem to find one for that short story that I started yesterday, but I have brought home too many of them for the novel. They just keep finding me. I wish I could make a final decision on the novel, and then find one for the short story, but I'm currently still trying to figure out how to link a taxi cab and bruised ribs. Perhaps there was an accident? Currently, I was thinking he was hit by a taxi cab, but then how did he get back to the apartment on his own? I also thought of taking one of my alternative endings for the novel and using that for the short story, but that wouldn't make much sense.

Perhaps I will take the weekend off from thinking,
or maybe I will write again.
Tschüss!
Jennifer

Fencing

Not really writing on here today. I did write a portion of a short story, but I can't figure out how to end it, and I've been working on my main writing project as well.
So, what I have done today is research Fencing techniques in order to write about a sword fight for my novel project. I was researching the history of Medicine in the 17th century last night as well, but haven't found enough to write about that.
The rest of my time today has been devoted to my toddler son who is really cranky and preventing me from getting much of anything finished.

So now for some Fencing:

A list of terms

I found the music selection interesting.

The Middle (3)

Dan guessed the truth was somewhere in the middle.
Yes, it was in that cream-filled sandwich cookie,
That’s where the truth always was.
Shortening and sugar never tasted so good.
And could you imagine that this was actually healthy?
Trans fat free, it said so right on the package.
He was satisfied enough, even though the numbers on the scale kept betraying him.
He had been out of work for some time.
The first heart attack had left him unable to work construction any more,
So his wife picked up more hours at the grocery store
And Medicaid footed the bill for his rehabilitation.
It was like trying to rehabilitate a criminal really.
The recidivism rate was high.
If only Fran could make more money than he could eat,
He knew she felt this way.
She resented him.
So he ate more.
He grew
And she still resented her new position that he had put her in.
He felt like a dog that she only maintained, but no longer cared about.
Filling the feed bowl, water, basic niceties.
No longer entertaining, cute or worthwhile,
Waiting for it to die and just get it over with already
So she could move on and get a new puppy.
He resolved to change, one way or the other.
Pushing himself to either direction. Exercise.
Would he regain his life, or end it in exhaustion?
It did not matter really, but it was everything.
Either way he would be freeing her from this indentured servitude.
She was too good to leave him, to cheat, but things had been barren.
He was guilty, alone.
He would work up his strength.
To stand on that treadmill. To lift those weights.
To walk. To move. To live.
Tomorrow.

The Kidnapping (2)

It was a short matter of research, a few phone calls and a single transaction. They had all the information that they needed. Two girls, a car, and a plan to rescue a friend from their fallacy of a relationship, and it all had to go down tonight.
“I can’t say that I know what is right for everyone, but this is definitely wrong.”
The second girl lit a cigarette, “I wish someone had been so considerate to save me from my first marriage because that was about as stupid a decision as this one.”
It had been a long enough time, passively watching their friends crash and burn into the depths of depression from poor relationship decisions. Hell, they even had their fair share of unwise romantic choices as well, but you could always learn from your mistakes.
This one though had gone too far.
Was it the fact that she seemed so plain? The conditions surrounding their wedding? That she probably didn’t even like the same music? That they lived practically like shut-ins? Neither could remain satisfied in this kind of relationship. There may have been cheating involved on either side of the equation, at least there should have been. They probably fought constantly over nothing and there were numerous contingency plans in place for when the divorce did happen. They could suspect anything.
That she featured pictures of her dog online instead of posting a single picture of him? He was an asshole at times, but even he did not deserve to be snubbed in favor of a dog. Maybe that was the final straw.
It was night when they followed the map that Google had provided. An hour here and there, across the city. They joked about the duct tape, and what would happen if he resisted. What if she found out? If it came down to it, could they forcibly remove him from the house?
Upon their arrival they watched from behind a privacy fence. Nothing seemed particularly amiss.
“He can’t be happy here, can he?”
“Of course not.”
“It’s all weird though. I don’t even hear any yelling, what kind of relationship is that?”
A shrug. “We should do it now.”
They stood on the front porch of his house and rang the doorbell.
“Hey.”
“Hey, are you going to the show tonight?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Did he even suspect that he had been kidnapped? Not likely.
Let’s keep it that way.

A reflection on writing, or my first real contribution. (1)

I lay on the bed and there are times when my mind feels empty. Searching for something, anything really. A feeling, a memory, some kind of emotion, they all refuse to come to me. That would make this too easy. Starting is always the toughest part of any project for me. Inspiration cannot be forced exactly, at least that’s what I always tell myself when I can’t think of anything. If inspiration itself cannot be forced, then it removes any failure on my part if I cannot come up with anything creative. I could go looking for inspiration though, but it can be elusive even when it is right there.
I get up and take a cigarette outside. This would normally spur me into an odd state of perceived relaxation, but inner tension followed by guilt because my husband just quit smoking and here I am hiding cigarettes from him. I feel nothing though, not even a satisfaction in smoking. It has become boring. I guess it is for the best when carcinogens lose their luster.
I anoint my eardrums with the sassy sounds of Jill Tracy’s “You Leave me Cold.” I think I can leech off of the creativity of others, but I am not transformed in a pool of inspiration. I think of Hunter S. Thompson’s Gonzo journalism. Is writing itself a journey? Is the process and experiences of the writer just as important as the actual story and how it came to be? I’m reading Jack Kerouac’s On The Road and Neil Gaiman’s American Gods, along with Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time when I can actually locate the books. My toddler is watching The Wiggles, perhaps, after hearing that video for the millionth time, that is why my creativity is draining. Oh, on second thought maybe the fact that “In Da Club” by 50 Cent is also included in my iTunes playlist is the problem. Oops, that’s not very deep. Machines of Loving Grace, that’s a bit better for thinking.
So, where is inspiration? I have found it for other things and in fact I am in the midst of another writing project, other than this one. That story comes to me in dreams, pictures and motions. Bits and pieces, different scenes, all for me to paste together. I feel it and the characters are real enough to me. I spend a lot of time thinking about how they would react to different situations that I encounter. What music would they listen to if they were real? I can’t admit that I talk to them because that would be weird. Wouldn’t it? This blog project will eventually become like that novel attempt. I’ll be feeling it and living it. Am I at a climax yet? I can scarcely make a distinction.
Writing. Is it an inner monologue? Is inspiration based on outside stimuli, or an extension of our innermost brain cells? Inner desires that would be inappropriate in the real world? Societal, spatial, linear limitations cast aside in the name of art. The fact that we cannot know what everyone else in the world is thinking, but in writing we can if the author wants us to. That’s probably one of the allures for me. Too many medications, therapy and self-help in the form of blades, needles and burning metal placed against my skin, just to learn that I can’t make people happy all the time, I cannot make myself into someone that everyone likes and It is unrealistic to know what everyone wants from me. There, I just saved you several thousand dollars if you’re in my situation. All I want to know is everything, including your thoughts.
Fingers flying over the keyboard of this tiny Mac as if a pianist playing a concerto or a child picking through “Chopsticks.” Either way, the words will come and with practice it becomes easier, much like anything else except for living. Living sometimes gets harder because people become sick and the body wears out, and you know that time is limited, but the finite is even tough to grasp sometimes, and every now and then one can go through the spazzing “holy crap, I’m going to die one day, and I haven’t done anything at all with my life and I’m... whatever age now.”
So, here I go to do something with my limited time on Earth. I will proceed to backcomb my hair for the next few minutes or so, and then try to smoke another cigarette, and see if anything interesting happens while I’m outside. Perhaps there will be a real story here tomorrow, instead of just a reflection on processes. The important thing for me was to just get a starting point. I'm good from here on out.

Jennifer checking in

I plan on writing a story here starting on Monday.
I plan on doing something else on Sunday,
maybe something good.
Expect under 1000 words on Monday though
Some good,
some not.

I'm 26
I collect hats, but don't like wearing them
I attend fetish events
I have done conventional things, but
my existence is strange.
Every existence is though.
I spent a lot of my youth trying to fit in a box,
only to discover that I am an octagon
and not a box.

I don't believe that love
is limited

I do believe that we
are rambling

Good night